Quotes from the monkey's mouth:

You won't get anything done by planning.

If you haven't got eyes you shouldn't have wings.
~ In connection with Karl's objections to moths - apparently they don't have eyes.

Look What We Can Do With Science!
~ The W.I.P name of Karl's idea for a new TV show, where human body parts/organs are removed and replaced by robotic substitutes

Whether it's a potato ir a nut, it's a foodage"

What were the things in Gremlins called?

How would I know which one I was?
~ The reply to Stephen Merchant when asked if he had a clone for one day, what would he do with it.

Do it once, do it properly, get to sleep. The end result's always the same, so why drag it out?
~ On people who "go at it all night"

Ya seeing that far because there's nothing in the way, ya lookin' at nothin', space is nothin', what ya lookin' at? They say, What do they say? I don't know.

Don't be chuckin' stuff about, if you're surrounded by glass an' what have ya.
~ Karl's translation of the saying "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.
~ Karl said this while discussing the glass house metaphor based on his inaccurate interpretation of it.

I know I'm about 'cause I dream.
~ Karl's apparent summarizing of the phrase "I think therefore I am" - René Descartes.

Never go to the doctor's, unless its really bad.
~ Karl's thoughts on keeping healthy.

Sort of a little story told quickly.
~ Karl's definition of "Analogy"

You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.
~ Karl's translation of the phrase "A stitch in time, saves nine" - Anonymous.

Don't go chuckin' that out, you might need that later.
~ Karl's translation of the saying "Waste not, want not" - Benjamin Franklin.

It wouldn't happen...there hasn't been one publication by a monkey.
~ Expressing his disbelief regarding Infinite Monkey theorem.

It's big, but there's nothing there. It's like the Millenium Dome.
~ Karl's view on why space isn't interesting.

There's this hairy Chinese kid.

It was bacteria, fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you.
~ Karl ponders the stages of man's evolution.

How can you freeze time?

I could eat a knob at night.

Were those presents the three kings brought Jesus for Christmas or his birthday?

And that bloke who was in the rocket, right, he was the loneliest man ever...in the world.

I just like odd stuff.
~ Karl gives a reason for his fascination with "freaks"

Even caveman had little pants on when you see footage of them.

I don't want to be bungled in.

Cheer someone up, have a laugh with them, make their day and that.
~ Karl's alternative Christmas message of 2005.

Elephant Man's coming in? Right, get some more buns in.

I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee.
~ Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school.

They go from building to building, just building.
~ On builders.

Why is it alright to be goin' around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killin' em? 'Cause one day, we're gonna run out.

Before we got here, were there people whose eyes were looking in their head?

You never see a black ghost, do you?

One day, you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with.

Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks?
~ On the the evolution of the giraffe.

Who's it for, at the end of the day?
~ On marriage.

The cafe was called "Tattoos". The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
~ In Karl's Diary.

Yeah, but you never sort of see a thirty-five year old one.
~ On how Chinese people don't age well.

If you saw an old fella eating a Twix, you would think, "that's a bit weird innit?"

They say they've got a new Pope, he's hardly new is he?

Knowledge is almost annoying.

Knowledge is hassle.

It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have been on holiday.
~ On the death of Plato , who was apparently (according to Karl) killed when he was on a beach, and a bird dropped its egg to "let the kids out" on Plato's head, the reason being that the bird thought Plato's bald head was a rock. Karl seems to have confused Plato with the Greek playwright Aeschylus , who according to legend was killed when an eagle, mistaking his bald head for a rock, dropped a turtle on him.

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?
~ Karl on digital prostate examinations.

I once laughed myself to sleep, because I couldn't believe my luck.
~ Karl on the joy of going to bed when he was a kid.

I haven't had decent sleep since I was twelve.

If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what kind of tramp can you treat?

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.
~ Karl's advice to chameleons.

Don't go out of your way.
~ Karl's advice on keeping female partners happy.

Treat the world like a head.
~ Karl on global warming.

Just pop it on your wrist.
~ Karl's response to Gervais when he questioned how Karl's idea (a wristwatch that counted down your life) would work.

I'd kick it, and I'd say, "knob'ead".
~ Karl's response to being attacked by a killer octopus.

It's all about a gorilla and a fox walking through the woods - how often does that happen?
~ Karl on Aesop's Fables.

I will not be licking a little frog's head. When it's alive or when it's dead.
~ In reaction to learning that eating or licking a poison arrow tree frog will result in death, as it has enough poison to kill 1000 men.

The coldness gets rid of the badness.
~ The reason Karl put an ashtray on his stomach to stop his bellyache.

They sort of hold cold.
~ Why Karl chose an ashtray to put on his stomach to alleviate bellyache.

What do you mean about eyes facin' foreward? Was there a time when they were looking inside our heads?
~ In response to Ricky talking about evolution.

If we didn't have planes an' that would we have wings now?
~ Wondering if humans have altered evolution.

Why is everyone always going back to Latin? It was ages ago.

A bit of guess work is pretty close to the truth most the time.

Jellyfish: they're 98% water, give 'em another 2% and make 'em water.

If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to.

It's a book full of words innit?
~ on the definition of the word dictionary.

The problem was I was still using me eyes even though I had 'em shut.
~ Karl on why an experiment with alternative medicine didn't work.